Oh yeah, so for the rest of the night, Dad was psychotic and pissed off. He was jibber-jabbering about stuff I'm sure I will never understand...things and conversations that sounded like he was repeating from way back when...and they were conversations where he was mad, really mad.
One time he was yelling at the wall and I asked if he needed something...and then I was brought into the argument. He wanted to tell me that his ex, ex, ex wife had shown up without his knowledge and that, now that it was late, he was wondering if I could give her a 'meal ticket and bed'. I questioned him further...especially since he was only married one time to my mom. He said that she was not my mother, and asked what my last name was. When I told him, he didn't know that name, and I told him my first name and then said he'd known that all along (as if I questioned his sanity!).
One of the other 12 times he woke us up last night he said he wished we'd all be crippled or blind for what we've done to him...how we've mistreated him. Of course it made me feel sorry for him and started me wondering, in my obvious delerium, if there was any way I could not send him to another facility.
The last time he woke us up was for another accident. Hubby found him standing in the shower (he didn't know where he was) and the floor was covered in it...ack!...but his Depends was pulled up and fully dry. What the...? He was cussing us out left and right...because we'd made him have an accident. He said if we didn't hurry up and clean up that damn mess we'd MADE him make...he was going to bust through the glass doors.
My horoscope this morning said this:
"You may be wondering whose shoulder you should cry on when usually yours is the shoulder that everyone else likes to use. The collar of your shirt is probably soaking wet by now thanks to all the tears that have spilled on you. Your compassion for others is definitely one of your biggest strengths, but be aware of the fact that it can also be one of your biggest weaknesses."
Wow.
But, Arrrrgh.
As if I didn't know that...but somehow seeing that in writing made me have flashbacks of the last 3 years of dealing with Police, Managers, Doctors, Administrators, the front doors of facility after facility, endless nights with no sleep and my own health getting worse, and then...again, as if I didn't know this too...my kids. My kids, who have been dragged from place to place at all hours because of this freakin' Lewy Body Dementia. My kids who are only 5 and 9 right now...who have also for the last 3 years been thrown into this mess. My babies, who don't even really try to get me to play with them anymore because they already know what the answer will be...that I have to help Grampa, or that I'm tired, or that my body is not working that day from exhaustion. I have to let my guilt go and know that I did everything I could...because it's not just HIS life that is being killed by Lewy Body. It's mine, my husband's, and my two precious babies. I am missing out on important moments with them to help my Dad. Something must give.
My hope is one of two things: that either my sister's philosophy of what happens to us when you die, or mine, is 100% true...so I can let this go.
Her theory is that once you're gone, that's it. You're dead and don't know you're dead...because you're dead. In that case, my Dad would, well, be dead, and wouldn't have all these crazy thoughts about what he now thinks everyone "did" to him. The end would be the end and there would be no looking back at what really happened or what we actually sacrificed to try to help him. There would be no looking down from heaven and seeing us grieving him because he would just "be dead", in the ground, lifeless.
And then my theory is that we go someplace better and finally see what our lives were and the reality of things that happened to us, or that we made happen to ourselves. In that case, my Dad would see that, though I know I was not always perfect or patient, I spent 3 years putting my own life and my little kids life on hold...I dropped everything at all times...to make things better for him...and nothing I did was good enough...and I drove myself into the ground, lost friendhships (although, really...good riddance to those jerks), even jeopardized my marriage trying to prove that I could handle everything. Which I can't.
Anyway, it's now morning and everyone is awake...except Lewy...he ate breakfast and went back to bed.
I have a million phone calls to make. Lewy must go live in a nice place with caregivers who are not me.
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