And then sleep goes away. Arrrgh!

Daddy did not sleep a wink last night. And every 20-30 minutes he was yelling for help to go to the bathroom. He was very agitated too, and got pretty combative with hubby. Daddy swung at hubby two different times yesterday. He also keeps insisting that he will "get out of this dump one way or another".
Everything is a dump to him. The fancy places I've found him to live and even our house, which is only 3 years old. All dumps. The places that were actually dumps, he really didn't complain about. So obviously, me feeling guilty about what a place "looks like" is really all about me and my standards, because he'll hate everywhere he goes anyway.
So.
After lots of deliberation and asking a few people for their input, I've decided on a place for Daddy. It was the last place I toured, and, honestly, I am still struggling with how the place looks, even though by far it's the best-kept nursing home I saw.
I called, my god, over 30 homes and was shut down cold by all but 3. The criteria for these places is this: they really don't want people with dementia. If the person does have dementia, they have to fit into this category: female and non-ambulatory. So basically they all want the "pleasantly" confused little old lady who sits in a wheechair. Unbelievable.
The 3 places that would even consider taking Daddy were: One was on the busiest street and most ghetto-ish part of town. It's not locked, so anyone can come in or out, and for the people with dementia, they wear a wanderguard bracelet that sounds an alarm if they leave...and considering that when the mood hits Daddy can almost run...I am NOT putting him in a place like that where he could run outside and be hit by a car if someone doesn't get to him quick enough. The second place was, to be blunt, the worst looking place I've seen and the LVN's were all very young, which has not been a good thing so far. In the first few minutes I was there, at least 4 of them were rolling their eyes at either residents or the Administrator. Uh, sorry, NO. I've already dealt with bratty little girls who shouldn't be in this profession, and I am not signing up for that again.
The third place is actually a skilled nursing facility that caters to people exclusively with behavioral issues...people with dementia/alzheimer's and older people with other mental conditions. The facility is older, and it's definitely not "nice"...it could use a lot of work...but the Nurses there were the first ones I've ever come across that didn't look miserable. They seemed to actually be enjoying themselves and the residents. Many residents there are kind of easy to love, many have such mental deficits that they are mentally like an 8 year old. Most of the employees have been there for at least 10 years, and one has been there for 30 years, since the place opened. I think that says something. One person there even said that they absolutely loved their job there. Not one time have I EVER heard someone in this line of work say that. Not once. Their program sounds impressive...and though I am still struggling with the whole idea, I think this place could actually handle my Dad...because everyone there is JUST like him.
Tomorrow I will start the paperwork and see where we get.
Daddy has been unusually happy and calm today...and he hasn't needed as much help in the bathroom or with anything really today, which is so truly bizarrre, but very typical of this damn disease. But all of this, of course, makes me feel bad because it doesn't matter now...temporarily calm or not, he must go live somewhere else. I know that tomorrow, or even within a few hours (or minutes), he could be back to screaming and fighting and being completely unbearable. My decision is made and I CANNOT let my guilt make me think I can have him here. I tried. I tried twice. Three times. But...even knowing that I've done a hundred times more than anyone else would've even thought of doing, I still feel bad, I just do. I may not have had the best relationship with him growing up, hell, no one ever has...and maybe he really did suck as a Dad and never really took care of us...he's still a human being that deserves to be treated with some sort of dignity. I wish I could provide a better environment for him, but I can't. Case closed.