I am finding it difficult to remember who I was or what I did before Lewy. The last 3 1/2 years were so jam-packed with Lewy and all his antics that life was ALL about Lewy. Now, I look around, and I feel lost.
I am trying my darndest to get back to "me", but it has been so much more difficult that I could've imagined.
I hate to admit that I was relieved and looking forward to going back to a "normal" existence, but I think I'm realizing that I have never been, nor do I want to be, "normal".
I am good with panic, stress and situations that call for immediate hard-decision-making. I'm good in emergencies, I think well under pressure. Now, having so much of that stuff lifted off of me, I, well, don't know what to do with myself.
I have a zillion projects that are unfinished or that were never started. I have thought about taking some classes, starting a business, finding ME again...and I have actually been incredibly busy lately too...but I am also incredibly scatter-brained...and I think it's because I am not under a deadline, needing to be 20 places at once. I can actually sit for a second, breathe, not have to rush off if I reeeeeallly don't want to. This should be a good thing, but it doesn't feel good.
A (nice) cousin of mine just pointed out to me that I must be feeling like "what the...?" now...because my sole purpose for the last 3+ years has suddenly been removed from my life, that I must be looking around thinking "what was all THAT for, and what now?"
Yes, that is so true. It's as if my "purpose" is gone. And yes, I know that's not right and that I still have much to do...I have multiple "purpose's" still here, but this, I dunno...I guess you could call it "freedom"...it feels so wrong!
Anyway, my birthday was Feb. 15th. I'm a grand 37! Feel like 87, but that's another story.
Yesterday was Papa's birthday. We came home from picking up the dollies from school and all the power had been turned off...and the office door had been closed all the way. That doesn't sound strange but it is because there is no reason for a power outage, and the office door is NEVER closed by anyone here...not to mention no one had been home. I will just assume it was him. Another hello?
Today I was sitting and reading for a few minutes, watching some workmen outside setting up our new Shed (which we are painting purple!), and the alarm clock in my daughter's room went on. She's 6, and doesn't use an alarm, and it's never been set anyway.
Someone is trying to say something, but I don't know who or what.
But...hello, whoever you are!
Update April 2018
6 years ago
2 comments:
Hi Laine,
You must feel all out of sorts and are still grieving.
After caring for Mum, when she passed, I had Dad to care for. When something happens to Dad, it's going to be a shock to have time that's mine again. Reading how you are feeling helps me to envisage what's to come.
The alarm ,the power, the door and on your Dad's birthday...it's just so wonderful.
You take care and lots of best wishes
It's so strange, especially when Lewy was at his worst, all I could think about was having time to myself or getting sleep...but now, with the exception of our horrible neighbors dog barking sometimes, I have no one waking me at all hours or keeping from doing what I want to do...although now all my lists of "things to do when I get the time" seem so pointless...and I'm not even sure what it is I want to do anymore!
I started caring for my Dad right after my Mom passed too...and I think that I am kind of finally "grieving" her now...I was neck-deep in Lewyville before and literally didn't have the time to grieve for the loss of my Mom. Now with all this silence, all the deaths in the family in the last few years has caught up to me.
Thanks for the well wishes, I really, truly appreciate it!
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