Good GRIEF, Charlie Brown!

No1DaughterofLewyDad made me realize something: that my problem right now...all of this feeling lost, aimless, kind of depressed actually...yes, I'm sure some of it is my health junk going on...but most of it is the fact that I never had time to grieve. It's finally caught me. Life always took over, maybe for a reason...maybe life stayed so hectic because there was so much more to come and I had to be on my toes for it...I couldn't be stuck in the grieving process...I had way too much to get done!
We have had seven deaths in 7 years in our family. Well, but, to be fair, it really all started a few years prior, with hubby's Dad. Having your Dad die at a young age is never a good thing...and though we had been dating for almost a year, I had never met his father because his parents were separated at the time it happened...and I know it forever changed hubby because of the fact that his last contact with him was strained and terrible, and his death was caused by being struck with a car while living in another state.
Papa died March 7th, 2002. Not to discredit my Dad, but Papa was the father my own Dad never was, and his death shook me in ways I still can't really explain. I was pregnant with my daughter and supposed to be on bed rest for complications, but we drove 2 states away to New Mexico and he held on until we got there.
Directly after this, my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and the prognosis was never good. During her recovery, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had surgery in 2003. Three days before I went in for my month-long quarantine for radiation, January 2004, hubby's Grandpa passed. Hubby really loved his Grandpa, and because we live in CA and they lived in New York, none of us would've been able to attend the burial, but it was a slap in the face knowing he "couldn't" go...because of me.
June 5, 2005 my Mom died and I was immediately thrust into Lewyville. I can't believe it has been that long now since that whole journey started...I never had the time to stop and think, my God, my Mom isn't here anymore. She's gone. Of course I "knew" that, but I never REALLY stopped to think about it. Of course I've cried about it, but I've just realized that the reality of it never truly had the chance to sink in...I just went on because I had to...it's what was necessary. I have been so busy with lists, and Lewy, and lists about Lewy, and keeping Lewy in line that I never stopped and let it hit me, my God.
January 3, 2007, Nany died at the golden age of 91, but it was definitely something just like Lewy that took her too. And like Nany's death, it wasn't just the death that happened...along with it came a whole life of paperwork to sort through and close down. I handled closing down my Mom's life, Nany's, and now my Dad's. I'm only (just) 37. People keep saying how odd it is that someone "my age" would have all this happen so young...is it really "so young" though? I hadn't really truly thought about that much until now either.
And all in the last year, hubby's Grandma died, my Dad's sister died, and then my Dad died. It's so strange to realize that my Dad and his sister, both only in their 70's, passed within a short time of their mother. How odd is that?
My parents and all my grandparents are gone (my Mom's parents have been gone since I was little). My hubby's Dad is gone and all of his grandparents too. And we have no relationship with his Mom for a million reasons I couldn't possibly re-tell here without whipping out the bad-word dictionary and a mental health reference book.
And...not that I now have some reason for my funky-headed behavior/feeling lately...but it now makes sense. I've been thinking A LOT about Papa, my Mom, Nany, my Dad, and everyone who is just no longer at the end of the phone line...I can't believe I was able to just go one with my life and not see what I was doing...busying myself into not truly seeing what was missing from me. That is why I can't find me right now. Part of ME has been gone this whole time but I just didn't have the TIME to acknowledge that before. But now there is silence. Now that I am looking around wondering what the heck I'm doing...reality has hit. I don't like it.
Sunday, the wife of the man who runs the support group I've gone to passed away. I visited her at the nursing home she lived at once, but it was because I was looking for her husband to bring him Christmas candy. She has been in a sort of vegetative state for some time...and I did not know her other than what her husband shared about her. But her death hit me. I couldn't stop crying. I thought I had lost my mind. But now I see what her death opened up for me, it opened up what I have been holding in all this time.
Of course...death is part of life...it happens, and you deal with it. I know I've "dealt with" the deaths, but I guess I just never fully grieved them and it's hitting me now...along with all the stress that came with life at the time...too much to write here for sure. OY.
Perhaps the reason that I have had such a surge of flickering lights, alarms going on, weird little hellos and bumps in the night lately is because they see I am in a funk...and they are trying to reassure me that everything is okay, that it will be okay...that IIIIII am okay.
Okay.
Deep breath.